


Remember Me

by hollyandvice (hiasobi_writes)



Series: Holly's Round Eight H/C Bingo Card [25]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Ascension, Canon Temporary Character Death, Post-Ascension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 12:33:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12365880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiasobi_writes/pseuds/hollyandvice
Summary: They hadn't been on the best terms when Daniel had Ascended, the memory of Reese, dead on the gateroom floor at Jack's hands still too vivid in Daniel's mind, and Daniel's certainty that shooting her hadn't been necessary drilling holes in Jack's otherwise watertight confidence in his own actions. Jack doesn't regret it,can'tregret the few extra weeks with Daniel that shot had afforded him, but it doesn't change the fact that Daniel may have gone to his glowing grave hating Jack, or the fact that Jack may never know for sure.Jack tries to learn how to live without Daniel. Again.





	Remember Me

It comes to him, late at night, in the days after Daniel's Ascension. A quiet, morbid curiosity, coupled with the knowledge that he may never have an answer.

They hadn't been on the best terms when Daniel had Ascended, the memory of Reese, dead on the gateroom floor at Jack's hands still too vivid in Daniel's mind, and Daniel's certainty that shooting her hadn't been necessary drilling holes in Jack's otherwise watertight confidence in his own actions. Jack doesn't regret it, _can't_ regret the few extra weeks with Daniel that shot had afforded him, but it doesn't change the fact that Daniel may have gone to his glowing grave hating Jack, or the fact that Jack may never know for sure. It's a pounding ache at the base of Jack's skull for days, and by the time Jonas is officially a member of SG-1, the low-grade headache is enough of a constant that Jack barely notices anymore.

He plays along, always the good soldier, even as he wraps himself up in more armor than ever before, and he waits and hopes, but he knows it won't go away. He's lost enough people to know that sometimes it does, but knows himself and knows Daniel well enough to know that this time it won't.

When Daniel comes to him, honest affection in his eyes and an unwavering confidence in Jack's righteousness, Jack knows it's a hallucination. A very vivid one, to be sure, but a hallucination nonetheless. Still, he plays along, buys into the delusion, refuses to ask the question even as he's desperate to know the answer because if he can pretend, even for these few hours, that Daniel didn't die hating him, ( _That's where you're wrong_ ringing in his ears) then maybe he himself can die free of the guilt he knows should be his. And when he runs, when he escapes Ba'al's torture chamber and makes his way home, he tries to leave the memory of Daniel behind, little more than the recollection of a hallucination that he can forget along with the rest of the torture.

The ache and loss don't go away, but Jack goes on living, the way Daniel taught him to all those years ago on Abydos. Before he lost Sara for good. Before his retirement and his reactivation. Before finding Daniel again and taking on his team and learning that there was still a life for him to live. A life after Charlie. He fights to find that same purpose again in his life after Daniel, and, slowly, he begins to. The guilt settles into a quiet, banked ember behind his sternum, and the pain settles into a gentler pulse at the base of his skull. Never completely gone, but distant enough to be ignored. Distant enough that he can go on living. And then.

And then.

And then, just when he thinks he might be able to live without Daniel again, Daniel waltzes his way back into Jack's life. A mission and a planet to be saved and oh, but if it had been anywhere but Abydos. Anywhere but Abydos, the place where Jack learned to live again, and Jack might have been able to say no. But here. Now. This place and this man and this mission.

Jack can't say no.

So he fans the flames of the ember in his chest and he lets the throbbing at the base of his skull take him over and he _moves_ , driving himself and his team forward and trusting Daniel so willingly and so blindly that he forgets himself. Forgets that he doesn't trust anything other than his own gut instinct (not true), forgets that Daniel isn't military and doesn't know tactics like he does (not true not true), forgets that there's more to life than the man that saved his life and then left him over and over again (not true not true not true). But if this is the one thing he can give Daniel, if this one thing can help Daniel forgive him, if this one thing can let him forgive himself… if this one thing can make all the difference, then Jack can't stop himself and he can't say no. He can't.

He can't.

And when it blows up in their faces and Abydos comes to an end, Jack feels the fire in his chest try to consume him the way it had after Charlie and he knows it's going to take his whole team to hold him together and they do they do they do thank the gods that don't exist that he has people around him this time to protect him even if he barely lets them. They fight to keep him safe and they fight to keep him even-keeled, and somehow, _somehow_ it's enough. At least, it's enough to keep him alive. The rest will come, he hopes. The rest will come.

And come it does, rounding the corner on P4T-3G6 dressed in blue and squinting slightly. Daniel, alive and apparently well. Jack feels Daniel's name spill over his lips, calling out the man as though no time had passed at all. Daniel keeps moving toward him, pausing just out of reach ( _Daniel Daniel Daniel_ and though the name echoes it is not his), and Jack wants to throw himself at Daniel's feet, beg for the forgiveness he never knew if he had earned, but Daniel doesn't know him, doesn't know any of them, and this… this may be too much for Jack to survive.

In the end, after they've seen Jonas off and Daniel is suitably quartered under the mountain until they can get him a new place to live, Jack goes to him, hands shaking even as he tries to keep them under control. Daniel opens the door to his quarters, warmth on his face, and Jack lets himself be drawn into his orbit as he always was.

"Look," Jack says, hands twining uncomfortably. "I know there's still a lot you don't remember."

Daniel nods, confusion mixing with concern on his face.

"And… and I know you said you don't remember anything about when you were Ascended." Another nod, and Jack forces himself to forge ahead, his hands still trembling. "I just… I just need to know if you remember whether or not… if you remember a girl… if you ever…."

Daniel's eyes go wide with understanding, and Jack feels the bottom drop out of his stomach. "You did something," Daniel murmurs, and Jack feels his heart rate ratchet up again. "Something you think I couldn't forgive."

Jack swallows, nods, shifts his weight. It's clear Daniel doesn't remember. Clear Daniel can't answer his question. And yet— Jack shakes it off. "Never mind. If you don't remember—" In an instant, he's in Daniel's arms. They wrap around him, strong and firm, and Jack feels his knees go a little weak. "Daniel—"

"It doesn't matter what it was, Jack. I may not remember what it was, but I do remember you. I remember who you are and how you function. Whatever it was that you did, you did it because you thought it was right. Knew it down to your bones. I could never begrudge you that. Never."

"But—"

"It might have taken a while. But I would have forgiven you, Jack. I would have forgiven you."

For the first time since he let loose the shot that killed Reese, Jack feels the pressure at the base of his skull dissipate. He slumps into Daniel's arms, clinging to him like a lifeline. "Daniel…."

Daniel tightens his arms around Jack, as though his strength might be enough to hold Jack together even as he feels like he's going to shake apart. He doesn't cry, but he does suck down more air than he thinks is normal, trying desperately to steady himself and maintain some sort of composure. Not that it matters. Daniel's always known him best. If Daniel couldn't handle him like this, not even close to his worst, then they would never have made it here. So Jack holds on and lets the pain shake itself out. It may not be enough to completely dispel the guilt, but it's helping. Jack feels ever steadier on his feet the longer Daniel holds him, and though he knows he won't be completely back to normal for a long time, it feels like the worst has passed. Daniel's back, and he's forgiven Jack as much as he is able, and that, for now, will have to be enough.

And if Jack holds on for a little longer than absolutely necessary. Well. Daniel doesn't have enough of his memories back to know the difference, now, does he?

(He does. He definitely has enough of his memories back to know the difference. But if Jack's willing to hold on, why should Daniel be the first to let go. He needs this just as much as Jack. Maybe more. But he won't tell. No need to let that particular secret out. Not until he's certain of where they stand. But he will, one day. One day.)

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'ed. Part of my Round Eight H/C Bingo Card. [Come hang with me on tumblr!](http://hollyandvice.tumblr.com/)


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